Gaming Update

Probably of no interest to many of you, please feel free to skip. For those of you who are NOT uncultured heathens, let’s do this thing.

-GTA: Chinatown Wars is on the iPhone. I don’t know where the heck that came from. I got on IGN last night and there the announcement was. No preview, no run-up, just all of a sudden “would you like to fight the 5-0 on the go?” The answer, of course, is yes, I scooped it up immediately. God bless them, Apple decided to charge a measly ten dollars for it, as opposed to the $30 that PSP and DS owners were dropping. I can report that the game is just as excellent as you’ve heard, and in some ways is even superior to “GTA IV” (although in the final analysis, the latter would still be the masterpiece). The brilliant use of touch-screen technology is a constant source of joy: you don’t just steal a car, you actually pull the panel out and hot wire it. I’m forced to conclude that even though the PSP edition is probably prettier and runs smoother, the fact that it doesn’t implement touch control makes it slightly inferior. Now the iPhone edition has some issues: aiming and firing your gun is a pain, and the virtual gas pedal on your car is easy to lose track of in the heat of the moment. But the experience as a whole is very fluid, and I must say also quite challenging. And bonus points: since you install it on the iPhone, load times are a synch.

-Bioshock 2 is not going to be that good. I’m just warning you now. IGN has already published a very thoughtful discourse on the topic, running a “pro and con” thing on the game. This is highly unusual because they haven’t even released their official review yet, and in most cases previews are nothing but sugary, meaningless praise. What does it say about their experience that they’re already complaining about a product that’s weeks away from release? My guess is, they’re breaking us in, getting us ready for the surprisingly mediocre score the game is going to get. I could be wrong about that, but I’m putting it out there.

What I’m almost positive I’m not wrong about is the quality of the actual game, regardless of what score it gets. It’s just too soon for a “Bioshock” sequel and we all know it. I have so many friends who are so pumped for this thing, but none of them can tell me why. The reason they’re excited is that they loved the first one, so they naturally assume it’s time to return to the well. Mistake. A crushing ennui is going to set in the moment you turn this sucker on, I guarantee you. It’s going to be a very well-made, professional game, but with the shock of discovery out of the way, I promise you it’s not going to land with the same impact. It makes me sad, really.

Too-soon sequels are a tricky thing. In the case of “L4D2,” we weren’t excited just because another one was coming out, there were serious advancements that we knew would change the game up forever, and it did. With “BioShock 2,” there’s really nothing new to talk about. You can wield plasmids and guns at the same time? Wow, amazing. You can play as a Big Daddy? You did that in the first one, and from what I’ve read, it’s only superficially different from playing as the dude in the original. I know, I know, some of you are going to tell me about the multi-player. Am I the only one that is baffled by that decision? It makes absolutely as much sense to me as putting deathmatch in “Fallout,” it’s a ridiculous decision. “BioShock” is and should be a single player experience; it’s the gaming equivalent of a good novel, meant to be absorbed in solitude on rainy nights. You come to the multi-player shooter party, you better come ready, because people like Bungie, Infinity Ward, and Valve have it pretty well sown up. These guys are obsessed with it, they live and die by Xbox Live. Do you really think some puny little “save the sister” crap is going to stand up to clans, prestige mode, create-a-class, double XP weekends, big team battle, and class updates?

What bothers me even more is that the single player will suffer for the inclusion of this half-hearted experiment. You’ve only got so many eggs to put in your basket when you’re making a video game, and it takes everything you’ve got to make a really epic, full-blooded campaign. Worst of all, you can never take this decision back, multi-player will have to be in every single game in this series for the rest of its existence. Everything about this sequel reads as “good, not great” to me, and I fear it will put a serious dent in an IP whose prestige used to be unimpeachable.

-Darksiders is pretty good, and so is Bayonetta. I grabbed “Darksiders” on a whim—I mean what are Best Buy gift cards for anyway—and I’m pleased with the results. It’s simpler than “Bayonetta,” the other serious action game vying for your attention right now, and less refined, but the core game functions well and the challenge level always feels just right. The situation with “Darksiders” and “Bayonetta” is almost identical to that of “Need for Speed: Shift” and “Forza 3″ last year: both are quality products, but each consumer needs to consider which is right for them. For me, “Shift” was the correct choice, as it focused more on the visceral quality of racing, but many people needed the depth and complexity of “Forza.” Similarly, “Darksiders” is a brawler, not unlike the classic side-scrollers of yesteryear: there are no complex combos, no learning curve to scale, everything is simple and clean. The focus is very much on feeling god-like and overcoming big, scary things.

“Bayonetta” is the “Forza” of this example. It’s a much deeper, more robust game, especially considering the inclusion of a frankly brilliant slow-mo dodge mechanic. When I played the demo, my reaction was immediately and overwhelmingly positive, despite my disgust with the game’s ridiculous art style. This is clearly a fine wine of an action game, its intricacies only really available to the connoisseur. I am not a connoisseur. I can barely play “Ninja Gaiden” without crying, I need something clean and efficient. Billy, of course, should not be bothering with “Darksiders,” as “Bayonetta” is clearly designed specifically for him, but he’s not hearing it. I don’t doubt he would enjoy “Darksiders,” as he enjoys anything in the third person with a sword, but we both know which of the two would produce the longer, more satisfying relationship. His denial could cost him dearly.

If one thing can be said for “Darksiders” that cannot be said for “Bayonetta,” it’s that the focus is on varied game play. Without the deep combat system of the latter, the former is forced to rely on constantly shifting game mechanics, puzzle dungeons (some of which are really quite stellar), and new items. You’re never doing the same thing for too long. Some people will tell you that “Darksiders” is a glaring rip-off, but I find that to be unfair. The proper word is “synthesis.” A “rip-off,” in my opinion, is only occurring when you ape from a single source. What this game does is take elements from two basic sources—”God of War” and “Legend of Zelda”—and fuse them with each other, and it is wildly successful in this endeavor. I’m not saying the game should get points for originality, but I must insist that “Darksiders” has no intention of riding any one game’s coattails to victory.

-Go download “Marathon: Durandal” from Xbox Live. You won’t regret it. Bungie’s flagship series before they came up with a little-known indie IP called “Halo,” “Marathon” is a rich experience that will steal your heart from “Doom” forever. It’s hard to pin down why such a dated game is still so excellent, but it just feels good. The story, told entirely in text form, takes patience to get through but is worthwhile and interesting. I have such an affection for the classic shooters, from “Duke Nukem” to “Wolfenstein,” and in most ways this is my favorite. Tonally, it’s too classy and elevated to have the seedy fun of something id Software would make, but its design and execution are unquestionably a step ahead of its competition. In particular, the presence of actual objectives which need completing is a breathtaking move. Thank God.