Just So We’re Clear

Some of you have mentioned that my “Avatar” review seemed less positive than it should have been. I re-read it and realized you were right: I got wrapped up in the discussion of a few different variables, and ended up spending more time on the weaknesses than the strengths. I tried to counteract it with constant reassurances that the movie was good, but impressions are made by the evidence with the best support, so I’m not sure it made much of an impact. Understandable. Truth is, I thought “Avatar” was very good. If I had to rank it on Cameron’s filmography, it’d probably belong somewhere above “Titanic” (not hard considering that’s my least favorite of his) and “The Abyss” (which I would love more if it wasn’t for that ridiculous ending), beneath “Aliens” (MISTER Aliens to you) and “The Terminator.”

I’m one of those weird people who still kind of prefers “Terminator” classic to the much-lauded sequel. I agree that “Judgment Day” is an action movie masterpiece, but given the choice between them, I prefer the gritty lo-fi charm of the original. “Avatar” is actually very akin to “Terminator 2″ for me; in tone, pacing and plot execution they seem to be cousins. Not to mention, while I deeply admire both films, they have identical problems: useless voice over and a bit too much tough-guy posturing. Whenever James writes a character who’s supposed to be some kind of hard-a**, he’s a little too on the nose with it for me.

Still! Here’s one thing “Avatar” significantly improved from “Terminator 2:” preachiness. I used to say that movies shouldn’t be preachy, but I’ve since decided preachiness is just too delicious to write off completely. If you’re gonna do it, though, you better nail it so hard that people who would call your opinion moronic over cocktails start back-pedaling, saying “I mean, I see where he’s coming from…” T2 was, for all its strengths, a very poor attempt at convincing me of the evils of atomic weapons: nukes are bad people, because supercomputers might get a hold of them! Not quite a resonant allegory.

“Avatar,” on the other hand, is the most effective dissection of American consumerism and military-industrial obsession in the last few years. Nothing in this movie is subtle, but anyone who’s heard of the Trail of Tears isn’t calling foul on how we’re portrayed. You don’t have to like it, but I think good taste demands you take it on the chin. For some reason, Cameron’s critiques of military culture always manage to come off in good taste—maybe because he is so obviously fascinated with it. He’s made two movies explicitly about armed forces culture: “Aliens” and this one. In both cases, he drew deliberately from American conflicts (Vietnam for the former, the Native Americans this time) which we already feel weird about. This works well in his favor, keeping him out of the “crazy liberal” box. Plus which, this guy straight up loves guns, they’ve been in every movie he’s ever made, so it may be that he’s picking a fight with himself as much as anyone else.

Right, moving on.

I haven’t seen “Sherlock Holmes” yet, although I’d like to. I’m surprised to discover that it opened second this past weekend. Bummer, Warner Bros, it looks like “Avatar” is every bit the monster Paramount/20th were hoping for. All is not lost, though, because it turns out that everybody made bank anyway: “Holmes” took over $60 million home without breaking a sweat, “The Squeakuel” (God help us) and “It’s Complicated” effectively counter-programmed and walked away with good numbers. It’s one of those weird weekends where everyone is doing well. I suppose it is Christmas, after all.

In other news, my boy Chris Nolan is ready to drop some straight truth on you with the new “Inception” trailer. You’re still going to have no idea what the freaking movie is about, but you’re going to want it anyway. You may have heard I crept onto the set for a few days in LA, even grabbed a call sheet, but I’m no closer to understanding what the crap is going down. My guess is, Chris is going to keep yanking our chains until release week. I don’t blame him, the average movie trailer is expected to walk you all the way up to the climax, and filmmakers are film critics have long bemoaned this as a ruinous practice. Most movies manage to navigate this obstacle, but there have been those like “What Lies Beneath” and “Lars and the Real Girl” which were genuinely sabotaged by their own marketing. We need to seriously rethink how we make these things.

Kevin Smith’s new movie is a buddy cop comedy whose working title was “A Couple of Dicks.” Anyone who was paying attention knew for a fact that title was getting changed, especially after “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” sank like a stone in no small part thanks to its name. The new title is “Cop Out,” which functions as a name and a description of what the movie and its title are. Did Kevin Smith intend this as a little jab at his superiors? Perhaps, you can’t really know. But I love any movie title that ends up with a double function, especially when it’s not entirely intended. My personal favorite example is John Woo’s quick cash-in Ben Affleck movie, appropriately titled “Paycheck.” You just can’t write this stuff.

Seriously, though, the trailer for “Cop Out” was terrible: it’s not just that it was unfunny, it’s that it didn’t seem to have the potential for comedy. Bruce Willis looked confused, maybe I just don’t understand what his character is supposed to be yet, and Tracy Morgan was…well…loud. That’s what Tracy Morgan always is. I kind of cringed when Kevin Smith’s name was never mentioned, obvious proof that “Zack and Miri” tanking was a harder blow than it appeared. I also noticed that Kevin didn’t write this one, but I would have guessed that from the material.

This movie is just a bad idea, and it’s not going to work. Kevin must think he’s going to get out of the doghouse with a nice, agreeable mainstream product, but even if that worked, it would only allow him to keep making more of those at best. Also, Kev does not have a good track record for branching out: his audience demands a niche product that has very bad crossover appeal, but they’re not a big enough presence to justify movies with real budgets. If you ask me, his relevance is waning fast in the movie world (he’s still strong in comics and pop culture), and there’s not a whole hell of a lot he can do about it, so he might as well enjoy himself. He’s wanted to make “Red State”—an utterly grim horror-action movie somewhere in the vicinity of “Sin City”—for some time now, and I would say that’s his best bet for a resurgence. If he can make a really cool, well-received movie that plays strong for 18-35 males, I think he stands a good chance at a second-wind in that demographic. Women and Middle America aren’t going to become hardcore fans, I don’t think it’s worth trying to get them to be. Fight the battles you can win, Kev.

That said, the man has a daughter who needs to go to college someday, so he’s got to do what he’s got to do.

So why is this movie going to work? I know why the guys at the studio think it will: Bruce Willis. Wrong. Come on guys, do you even look at the returns when you release something? Let me take you on a tour of this man’s career, starting with his most recent:

“Surrogates.” A movie that sold on his image alone, and a complete flop.

“What Just Happened?” He decided to play himself again in this Robert De Niro pic about how hard it is to make movies. A flop. How many times does America have to tell you they don’t care about self-pitying “this town is hard” garbage? You’re selling to laid off car workers in Detroit and struggling school teachers in Atlanta, they really don’t care about how difficult it is for you to get Julia Roberts the perfect latte.

“Planet Terror.” He was in it for two minutes. It flopped anyway.

“Live Free or Die Hard.” Did well, both in theaters and on DVD. But let’s be honest: it was an established brand from decades ago, and it proves little.

“Perfect Stranger” Ouch. I think some guy in Denver saw it.

“The Astronaut Farmer” Cameoed briefly, and it tanked.

“Fast Food Nation” Some people saw it, maybe. But no one who’s in the room with you right now as you read this. And people who did see it didn’t care that he was in it.

“Over the Hedge” A movie with cute CGI animals that actually didn’t do well enough to spawn sequels. You have to be trying to make that happen.

“16 Blocks” A textbook example of that DVD you look at but don’t rent. Didn’t make much money. Actually pretty decent if you saw it.

“Lucky Number Slevin” Not a terrible movie, but a flop, if for no other reason than the title is confusing to pronounce, and an inside joke. Mental note, guys: movie titles should not tell their prospective customers “you had to be there.”

“Alpha Dog” The hairpiece he wore in the trailer was almost worth the price of admission…almost. Didn’t make much money, but even if it did, he was a background character.

“Hostage” Ugh.

Look I’m just going to stop, I think you see where this is going. If I were to continue, we would have landed upon such gems as “The Whole Ten Yards,” “Hart’s War,” “Bandits,” and “The Story of Us,” which equals four flops in about as many years. Bruce Willis is a star, I’m not saying he isn’t, but he’s one of the most vulnerable to genuine disasters of anyone in Hollywood. His hit-to-flop ratio is disgusting, it’s a testament to his appeal that such a titanic amount of crap hasn’t ever really knocked him down.

But that doesn’t change the fact that no matter what some idiot in a suit tells you, putting this guy in your movie doesn’t equal “hit.” Maybe “Bruce Willis meets Kevin Smith” might have—and I mean might have—but they’re not marketing it that way. This thing is supposed to stand on Willis meets Tracy Morgan alone, and that is not happening. Tracy Morgan, to me, is that guy who is hilarious when you know him in real life, but it never translates quite right to the screen. I’ll grant him that the scene at the end of the trailer where he says “No” over and over again was the best moment in the thing, but that’s not the highest praise in the world.

You watch, Dear Reader. “Cop Out” is going to flop.