It isn’t enough that you have the kind of good looks that only improve with age, or that you make gray hair look good, or that you have a pleasingly masculine baritone, is it? Is it? No, you just have to keep going. You have to have brains, too. You have to have your mitts all over one of the most interesting movies coming out this year (http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/themenwhostareatgoats/). Original, thought-provoking, genre-escaping, fascinating entertainment should be for ugly people. You are an existential ball hog, George. “The Men Who Stare at Goats” is one of the most exciting products I’ve seen come out of Hollywood in years, and here you are all over it. No fair.
What’s that? You’re still not satisfied? Fine. Go ahead. Take the lead voice in Wes Anderson’s new delightful-looking, all-ages-appropriate “The Fantastic Mr. Fox,” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2igjYFojUo) a cheeky throwback to classic stop-motion with hip, modern touches to keep it relevant. Fine. See if I care. But that’s it, Clooney. Simmer down, man.
(http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/upintheair/large.html)
…What? WHAT? You’re starring in Jason Reitman’s new film? The Jason Reitman whose debut, “Thank You For Smoking,” was one of the best comedies of the decade? The very same man who discovered Diablo Cody and directed “Juno”? And now I watch the trailer and discover an incredibly enticing, delicate, satirical character piece? A non-traditional preview that lingers on a single moment between two exhausted souls, both trapped by the rigors of their travel-heavy lifestyles? A sharply written, perfectly acted, original yet classic story with the right hint of comedy and sadness?
Damn it, man! This is not cool. I looked you up on IMDb to try and comfort myself with your failures and found “Oceans 11,” “Michael Clayton,” “Good Night and Good Luck” (which you directed, by the way), “Burn After Reading,” “Syriana,” “Oceans 12″ and “Oceans 13,” “O Brother, Where Art Thou,” even “South Park: The Movie” for the love of all that is good and holy what will stop you? I mean you had one embarrassing failure with “Batman and Robin,” and it’s like now you have to be “Mr. Perfect” all the time.
I’ve had enough, sir! I demand you start starring in crap! Why can’t you take a page from your fellow star Bruce Willis? He very considerately punishes himself with four or five terrible films for every quality piece he turns out. He starred in “Sin City,” so then he gave us “What Just Happened,” “Live Free or Die Hard,” “Perfect Stranger” (ouch), “Over the Hedge,” and now “Surrogates,” a movie so bad he won’t even let them put him on the posters. It’s only polite. Nobody likes an Albert Schweitzer, man; conquering the world and making everyone else look bad. Take a break.
PS: If you’re reading this, George, insert your name wherever it says “Life Cereal” in this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7s74tYnqnBM
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