Bwahahaha, how I love to watch my opponents fall at my feet. You may have opened to solid numbers, “Bruno,” but you dropped a whopping 80% in your second weekend, practically guaranteeing that you never even flirt with a domestic gross in the $100 millions. Many are speculating as to the cause of this, but I offer a simple scenario. Imagine, if you will, the hypothetical water cooler. Conceive in your mind two males, age 18-35 (unquestionably the pic’s target demo), gathered around that office oasis, wearing neatly pressed collared shirts and shooting the breeze on Monday morning.
Dave: Hey Bob, how’s it going?
Bob: Going good, Dave. How was your weekend?
Dave: Oh, it was all right.
Bob: Say, didn’t you see that “Bruno” movie?
Dave: Sure did, Bob!
Bob: Well, spill the beans! How was it?
Dave: Oh it was great!
Bob: Really? Cause I was on the fence…
Dave: No, dude, go see it! There were like fifty penises!
Bob: Wow that sounds gr—wait…what did you say?
Dave: Penises! Fifty of them!
Bob: Oh, I…oh.
Dave: Man, they finally made a movie that satisfies the heterosexual male’s desire to look at wangs.
Bob: Uh…yeah…I guess…
Dave: I mean, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I’m absolutely johnson-starved by most movies. I just sit there going, “Where are the penises?” Don’t those fat cats in Hollywood know how much heterosexual men love testicles?
Bob: Dude, I’m not really with you there.
Dave: What? Come on, everyone loves a good penis.
Bob: I’m pretty sure they don’t. Boobs, dude. You’re thinking about boobs.
Dave:…Crap, you’re right. I can’t fathom wanting to see a gigantic wang on a movie screen. Suddenly it occurs to me that “Bruno” should have no appeal to me whatsoever, especially since comedies like “The Hangover” are out.
Bob: Well, maybe the gay community will like it.
Dave: Unlikely, seeing as the makers have all but gone out of their way to piss off and alienate most mainstream homosexual communities.
Bob: Who in the hell is going to go watch this thing?
Dave: Me, apparently. I don’t know why I did it, it just felt like I should. But now that it’s done, I’m neither going back nor telling anyone else to go.
Aaaaand, scene.
It’s true, Dear Reader, than in failing to get the universal support of the gay community, “Bruno’s” makers shot themselves in the foot. This movie needs champions, and heterosexual men are only perverted enough to go out of curiosity, they won’t keep coming back. And they might not even like it that much, because they don’t relate to Bruno at all, or if they do they’re sure as hell not going to admit it. Now you can make a movie about a homosexual person or persons and do some real business, but why would you not court the gay community hand and foot while doing so? “Bruno” may not be an accurate representation of them, but it is a hyperbole of their existence, and so they are the ones most likely to recognize and appreciate the subversive fun at hand. You needed them behind you one hundred percent, guys, and from what I can tell you scarcely even bothered. And let’s not forget, people like me are going to take our cues from the gay community as to what’s in good taste/fun, and what isn’t.
I’m doing the film a favor talking about it this much, because the damned thing has already evaporated from public consciousness. I guess I’m hoping that a general sense of disappointment may be better for Baron Cohen’s career than what he’s got right now, which is a silent dismissal. And he’s a funny guy, I’d like to see him do something that exuded a little more class and substance, maybe get some real use out of his enormous talent. But the ball is squarely in his court now.
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