No. No. Absolutely Not.

(FAIR WARNING: If you like “Twilight,” you might want to skip this one, cause I go pretty ballistic on it here. You’ve been warned.)

For reasons passing understanding, I just read the list of winners from the “MTV Movie Awards.” I know, I’m a moron, why in the hell would I do that? I don’t know. But I did. And the results so angered me that…I just…Their movie of the year was “Twilight,” beating out “Slumdog Millionaire” and “The Dark Knight.” The best “breakthrough” performance was Robert Pattinson. The best female performance was Kristen Stewart. Both from “Twilight.”

Is this really the generation of children we’re bringing up? Really? I had been assuming that even “Twilight” die-hards knew what a piece-of-crap the movie adaptation was, and were just willing to love it in a kind of “it’s fun but I know it sucks” way. I was fine with that, most of my older friends who like Edward have a healthy perspective. But these kids actually voted this thing the best film of the year. And they weren’t kidding.

No, don’t even say it. I know they’re kids, it’s no excuse. In fact it’s almost worst, these are the morons who run things when we’re gone! When I was a kid, we watched “Star Wars,” we watched “The Silence of the Lambs,” and “Forrest Gump,” and “Terminator 2″, and “Beauty and the Beast,” and “Sense and Sensibility.” Good movies. We went to see “Blade” and the occasional Hugh Grant vehicle, yes, but we acknowledged their proper place, and at least those were competently made.

I just…I’m sorry, this has to get off my chest. “Twilight” the film sucks.

It is so aggressively awful. I am not going to give you a pass for liking it just because you liked the books. Have some honor, for goodness gracious sake. You can enjoy it all you want, you can watch it twenty times a day, but what you cannot do is give it any kind of award for excellence in anything with a straight face. You can’t parade it around on a televised awards program and say “It was great!” It wasn’t, and you know it. You think my generation forgives “Episode I” or the Matrix sequels just because we love the intellectual property? Did we just lay down for “Batman and Robin”? No. We want to love those movies, but they suck, and we admit it. We don’t give them awards. We believe in telling the truth.

I’m begging you, younger generation, you can’t let these movies be the ones that define you. And don’t say it’s okay because MTV Movie Awards voters are girls. How does that make it better? Are you implying girls are morons? I refuse to concede that teenage females are so intellectually vapid that they can be allowed to lap up cinematic vomit. I don’t care if I’m not “Twilight’s” target demographic, either, the movie sucks as a matter of empirical fact. There are, like, mathematical formulas for how shamefully awful it is.

So I’m drawing the line, here and now: if you want to see “Twilight” and its ilk in theaters, fine. If you want to buy the DVD…sigh…whatever. If you want to enjoy it, if you want to let it pick you up after a rough day, I disagree but I can’t stop you.

But if, somewhere in that process, you start deciding you’re watching a good movie, if you start explaining to me why it is a valid piece of cinema…you’re just insane. I’m not going to say “Oh that’s fine” or “to each his/her own,” I’m just going to point and laugh. I don’t care if you’re 12 years old and your life revolves around Edward Cullen, prepare to be openly ridiculed. We have to have some freaking standards, people.

I know the retort that’s coming: “You just don’t like it cause you’re a boy.”

Wrong. I don’t like it cause it sucks. I don’t care that there are hot vampires, I care that the script is poorly written, the special effects are laughable, and the acting is ridiculous. I care that the direction is clumsy, the plot is stupid, it’s just bad. And what I fail to understand is why fans of the book go so easy on the damned thing. If I actually cared about that story at all, I would feel like a studio boss had just manhandled me in the dark of a theater for two hours. I would feel violated by the awfulness. Don’t you guys want a good version of your beloved books? Don’t you care about that?

“But how would you like it if I made fun of The Dark Knight?”

See, people always do this, they conflate “bad movie” with “not my type of movie,” and pretend the two are the same. They’re not. There’s such a thing as respecting a movie’s merits without enjoying it. There are dozens of movies that are “not for me” which I concede are still well-made: musicals, “My Best Friend’s Wedding,” “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” a lot of Disney films, etc. Quality is quality, anyone can sense it whether they drink the Kool-Aid stylistically or not.

“Just take it easy. We have fun watching it, we like it.”

Adult “Twilight” fans, maybe. The ones who have lives and grips on reality. But these tweens and teenagers who are getting bred on this crap are seriously sending their brains down the toilet. They have no perspective, they really believe they’ve had a good artistic experience, and they need to be corrected. It has to be stopped. We cannot let a whole generation bottom its standards out this low. It’s not acceptable. We as adults are supposed to guide them, and if we don’t tell them the truth, how can they learn?

“You’re such a downer. Why do you have to hate on fun stuff like ‘Twilight’ and ‘Harry Potter’?”

Stop right there, “Harry Potter” is genius. I straight-up love “Harry Potter.” The movies are decent, but the books that inspire them are so breathtakingly fabulous that the power of the narrative elevates them. If “Twilight” had an ounce of HP’s magic, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Never compare the two.

So from now on, if you try to start defending “Twilight” to me, I’m coming at you. From now on, you have to actually defend that position. I predict you can’t do it.

DISCLAIMER: None of this is applicable to the books, which I have not read. I have heard from many sources that they are poorly written, but who knows.