Product Placement

Hello, Dear Reader. I’ve been thinking of doing this list for some time, compiling it quietly in my mind, and now the time has come. Like any good American, I enjoy consumerism. It gets a lot of flak as some kind of corrupt, meaningless way of life by people in the international community, but I believe a consumer-based culture makes room for the arts in a way that no other system of economy does, and I support that. Consider that Warner Bros. spent up to $200 million producing “The Dark Knight,” which is little more than a shifting series of images and sounds. This would seem like a gigantic waste, except it made a huge amount of money back, because Americans love the arts. Therefore, just because we are willing to spend a few bucks on a Friday night, a workforce of hundreds can have gainful employment for years, computer technology can make great strides in R and D, and complex ideas can be exchanged and debated.

Yes, it’s a beautiful thing. Not a perfect thing, it has its flaws and some of them are egregious, but so does anything.

Anyway! The point of this is that in the spirit of American consumerism, which I again insist is not nearly as bad as many sourpuss communists would like you to believe it is, here is a list of some products that have legitimately had an impact on my life. Brand loyalty is an incredibly Allen thing, we love to find people we trust and stick to ‘em on a philosophical level. Here is a sampling:

1. Listerine. Seriously, “Scope” can freakin’ fall down a well and die. If you use “Scope,” I just hated you a little bit. “Listerine,” on the other hand, is a professional germ killing machine. What happens in your mouth to the things that cause bad breath can only be rightly termed a “slaughter.” Gargling this stuff is like sending in the Roman legions, plus the Air Force, plus some Navy Seals. Boom!

There is no excuse for bad breath when this stuff is so readily available. And yes, it hurts. It’s supposed to hurt. That’s how you know it’s making gingivitus beg for its life.

2. Coca Cola. I’ve heard you can get blood off the highway after a car wreck with this crap. Clearly, it’s purpose is not to be good for you. Instead, “Coke” focuses on rocking your taste buds like a hurricane. The first wave of flavor is rich and complex, a smokey and mysterious sugar rush. This is followed by the second phase, which normally occurs near the top of the throat: a sweet, syrupy burning sensation that stings just the right amount. Sweet nectar of the gods.

“Coke” is more or less the modern day equivalent of pirate grog: you drink it at your own peril. Anyone who refuses to consume it and others of its ilk is totally in the right, and I don’t blame you in the slightest. Anyone who places “Pepsi” in their mouth, however, is a heretic and must be excommunicated. I don’t think that’s overly harsh. And yes, I’ve heard of the “Pepsi Challenge.” I took it in 12th grade science class and passed with flying colors, even though the “Coke” was flat. Don’t mess with me.

“Coke” is a finicky soda, it’s only good in a few specific ways, and terrible in dozens of ways. Flat “Coke” is useless, even slightly warm “Coke” is putrid, and don’t even get me started on some of the fountain incarnations I’ve suffered through. You want real “Coke?” You take the standard red can, you put it in the fridge for an hour and twenty minutes exactly. No, you can’t put it in the freezer, it tastes weird. And no, you can’t pour it in a glass with some ice, because this stuff is unforgiving, and without an even dispersement of cold temperature it tastes like sugar mixed with tar. If you come home and want a “Coke,” but you didn’t put it in the fridge, you are boned for the next hour and twenty minutes. There’s just no way around that.

Some restaurants have nailed the fountain formula. “Outback Steakhouse” does a fine one, as does “Wendy’s” and even “Subway,” surprisingly. But don’t trust anyone with this stuff, test it the moment they give it to you, because if the tap is running low, the sugar overpowers the acidic bite and you’ve basically got “Pepsi.” Sometimes the mixture just goes off the reservation and it sucks for days; this has happened at “Wendy’s” several times.

But man, when you’ve got that can, and it’s chilled down to just the right temperature, all is right with the world. Personally, I don’t drown a bad day with alcohol; I knock back a “Coke,” and suddenly the world feels right again.

3. Purrell Hand Sanitizer. We, as a civilization, have made many strides towards the future, but they are not even ones, and every so often something languishes behind. Allow me to present as exhibit A: these clumsy, user-unfriendly blocks of lye called “soap,” which have seen no significant improvement since the Aztecs, except for flowery scents that make normal men smell like they just appeared from a bad romance novel. They are slippery, uneven, messy, and increasingly pointless as their size diminishes. Proper use requires a pre-emptive wetting of the hands, which dries the skin out and makes the damned thing easy to drop, especially in the shower. Even worse: you’re in a public restroom, and now your hands are at the mercy of rough paper towels, or some insane jet engine mounted to a tiled wall.

Somewhere along the line, a beacon of hope appeared in the form of “hand sanitizer.” I use Purell’s brand, but I confess to not being sure if they are the originators. Regardless of this, hand sanitizer is the leap forward that puts hand care back on the fast track with microwaves and dudes in space. Here is a simple gel which absorbs rapidly into the skin, requiring no more than a few seconds for application. You don’t have to wet your hands, and you don’t have to fumble with some slippery adversary. Hand sanitizer cleans more thoroughly than regular soap, evenly distributing around the entire hand. Many brands even come with moisturizers and aloe built in. Think about that for a moment:  soap dries your hands out, sanitizer actually makes them healthier. Is this even a choice?

Why is everyone not using this? What on God’s green earth has you all so tethered to those stupid little slippery bricks? The more homes I visit that do not contain hand sanitizer, the angrier I get. It’s not like we’re purchasing portable cassette players anymore, we don’t break out the slide rule to divy up the check after dinner, so why can’t we all acknowledge improvement in this arena and step forward? The stuff is cheap, it works better, it’s healthier for your skin, you can get all kinds of different scents for it, the debate is over. Sssh, I don’t want to hear it. Buy some.

4. Old Spice Body Wash. Supposedly cool new brands like “Axe” have clever ad campaigns which suggest that they’ve secreted some sort of “take me now” hormone effective on all women, but the reality of actually using the stuff is that it makes you smell like “Red Bull.” If you want to keep a tight leash on the scent that surrounds your body, you’ve got to stick with the classics: “Old Spice.” Now I’m not going to tell you what variety to choose, because every man is different. I’m a fan of “Showtime,” but there are many good options, each with subtle nuances whose discovery is not unlike the sampling of fine wines.

“After Hours” is incredibly provocate: it suggests a dangerous stranger, a mysterious rogue who knows the back alleys and speakeasies, whose friends are lovable braggands, whose enemies are cold misers bereft of love “Aqua Reef” is a gentler persuasion: a mellow native who has lived on the island his whole life, who wakes up at dawn and swims two miles in the surf, who speaks rarely but smiles at the setting sun. “Classic” is for the gentleman of the old school: he remembers when they called you “sir” and “ma’am,” he can discern one cognac from another but he doesn’t brag about it, and a morning on the links is followed by an evening of thoughtful discussion over dinner that consists of more than one course. I can keep going. Those are the ones I don’t prefer.

The point is, this stuff is classy and awesome. I don’t know if they test it on animals or something, I cannot attest to the ethics of the company itself, but their product has impeccable taste and I wouldn’t turn to anyone else for my body wash. A man’s scent is an important thing for him to deliberately construct, and “Old Spice” gives you some essential tools.

5. DC Comics. Yeah, yeah, “Marvel” is okay. Wolverine is kind of cool, Spiderman is the ultimate nerd superhero, and Iron Man is baller. These are cool characters. But “DC Comics” is about something more than being “cool.” Characters like Batman (be still my beating heart), Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Watchmen, Swamp Thing, The Flash, these are characters whose design is heavily influenced by the classic archetypes of mythology. As a lover of epic poetry, these timeless titans resonate deeper with me.

There’s no question that “Marvel” is often better at being “hip,” but I don’t care about hip. I care about legend, and grandness. The “DC” universe is heavily informed by the entire breadth of fiction that preceded it: Superman is basically a copy of Apollo mixed with Moses, Wonder Woman is pulled right from the Amazons, and Batman’s “shadow persona” can be seen in almost every civilization on earth, as well as modern thinkers such as Carl Jung. And the villains are almost indisputably without peer, especially in Gotham City. I’m not going to mention the Joker, but we both know I’m thinking about him.

My attitude used to be “screw Marvel,” but I recognize that people enjoying their fine catalogue does not really harm me or diminish the characters I care about. “Marvel” offers something I’m usually not interested in, but there’s nothing at all wrong with liking or even preferring them. It’s just a matter of taste. I do envy that they have Daredevil, though. He is freaking awesome.

6. Abuelita. When you want tortilla chips, accept no substitutes. Firm and crunchy yet delicate, these golden-brown masterpieces are so good you don’t even need salsa. There’s just something about their uncluttered, perfectly balanced flavor that forces every other brand to be evaluated relative to them.

7. Toyota. No car is perfect, and these things will likely not turn heads or get you attention from women, but what they will do is run every time you turn the key. They will not break down on you. Honestly, the biggest hazard of owning one is they keep you from learning anything about cars by rarely needing maintenance. I took one across the country towing a couple hundred more pounds than it was built for while it badly needed an oil change, and it never so much as hiccuped. Besides slightly wonky CD players, these things are just there for you.

8. Pepto Bismol. They taste like candy from hell, but they work. I don’t kind around about upset stomachs, I freaking hate them, and I need a ninja assassin on the job before I’m going to be satisfied. Forget “Tums,” and “Alka Seltzer” takes too long, if you need to get rolling ASAP, down some of this crap. It tastes like a cherry-flavored chalkboard, true, but unless you really deserve to throw up, it’ll probably keep you off your knees in front of the toilet bowl.