Okay, I’ve had enough, “Family Guy.” I’ve seriously had enough. I have been grinning and bearing your crap for years, and it’s finally so obnoxious to watch you even for two seconds that I’m going to roll up my sleeves and start hitting you in my mind until you get canceled, “The Simpsons” becomes funny again, and “Futurama” gets a three-season greenlight; I’d wish something for “South Park,” but that old gal is doing just fine, and more power to her.
I’m so sick and tired of you. You are absolutely not that great, nor have you ever been, and what little potential you had you have squandered judiciously in a pissing contest with your own ego. Everything substantive you do has been done before. Everything you contribute that’s hasn’t been done before wasn’t being done for a ^&*^ing reason. Let me list your sins.
1. You Break the Fourth Wall Like Every Ten Seconds. Fourth wall violation is a cheap thrill, a parlor trick that quality shows almost never embrace; I’m not sure I’m surprised that you can’t possibly resist doing it. I mean, every single episode, Peter or Lois or somebody looks right into the camera and makes a remark that falls into one of the following categories:
a) “Hey viewers, here’s what we anticipate you might say about this episode on internet forums.” Nobody gives a flying *(&^&*^&*&% about your wounded ego. You just have to do it, don’t you? You have to start arguing with your fans before they even open their mouths? You’re so freaking proud of yourselves that you have to start stomping your feet and pointing your finger. Do you think anyone’s impressed because you know why we hate you? Is anyone thinking, “You know, it annoyed me at first that they played a Conway Twitty video for ten straight minutes in the middle of an episode for no reason, but now that they’ve preemptively criticized me for disliking it, I’m going to concede the point.” No one does that. You are the most preening, self-obsessed, prima donna in history.
b) “Now we’re going to eat up screen time with something that makes no sense because our writing staff sucks and cannot fill out an episode with jokes or stories like other shows.” I don’t know why you think I’m fooled when you show Peter fighting a chicken for the fifth time, and the fight lasts for a third of the episode. Or, worse yet, when you cut to live action clips, often archival footage you didn’t even have anything to do with. If you’re under the impression that this “fools” me, then I sincerely hope ignorance is bliss. What actually happened was, you guys just aren’t that funny. You possess about an eighth of the creative wit that the team behind “South Park” has, or hell, even “Two and a Half Men.” At least they fill out their episodes. The most hilarious part is that “Family Guy” is, by definition, a show built on non sequitor jokes that, by your own admission, you can shift around between episodes without anyone noticing. This should be the easiest show in the world to write, you can pull gags out of a hat. Other writers have to do little things like make any sense. Every episode should be gut-busting, but instead, you’re too lazy to do your jobs.
c) “Look how offensive we are.” You’re not that offensive. Your jokes are either lame or in poor taste, but no one is gasping at their televisions here. Watching you try to shock my sensibilities is sad. You’re swinging at the fences, sweating and grunting, and no one is impressed. You sure did love all that controversy you used to stir up, didn’t you? You’re like the KKK, you just live to be hated. What are you going to do when we all start ignoring you?
2. You Are Preachier than Church Television. And this is the one I can’t believe. Am I seriously getting a lecture on tolerance from Seth MacFarlane again? Is it, like, every episode now? You guys are in the least possible position to make any kind of statement about anything. I prefer to get my satire from people who have brains, not a brood of amateur Howard Sterns who think it’s funny to call John McCain a Nazi just because they disagree with him. I love that you just spent a whole episode reaming Fox News for being biased, unfair and judgmental. I love that. You call people you don’t like “Nazis.”
I cannot believe I’m getting sermonized on the evils of Christianity and the Republican Party and what the hell ever else you people don’t like every freaking week. I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that you like to “push the envelope,” but that’s not what you’re doing. Good social satire has to appear unbiased, has to take every deserving target to task, creating the illusion of simply observing things as they are. When you can’t get your head out of your own behind, no one wants to hear your smarmy little self-righteous quips. No one is thrilled by a blind, thoughtless opinion that whips itself into fanaticism. Your little world, where all Christians burn books and atheists are smart, sexy (and surprisingly Aryan looking) people who stand up for the disenfranchised, is hilarious. It makes no sense, it means nothing.
You probably get off on this kind of reaction, and that’s your problem: you can’t see the difference between extreme reactions. You assume that getting any response must mean you’re “breaking down walls” and being “progressive,” but this is a fantasy you are living in your own head, plugging your ears and singing “Lalalala” while the world grows weary of you. You want to see what you think you are? Watch “South Park.” There is a show that goes fearlessly into the breach, takes all targets, pulls no punches. Sure they’re probably biased, but they at least make some effort to counteract it, and be a fair-minded show. You, “Family Guy,” are not that. You are a liberal propaganda machine, twice as biased and unfair as “Fox News” could ever be, and only a quarter as well-produced.
3. You’re Not Funny. Which is sad, because it wasn’t always the case. What in the hell is going on over there? You came up with these great characters, like Peter and Brian and Stewie and Quagmire and what have you, and every time I turn on the television you just waste them. You’re not trying.
4. All Your Good Parts are “Simpsons” Knock-Offs. It’s not even funny how much you would not exist without “The Simspons.” You’re like those little fish that swim along with sharks, eating off their bellies. It’s almost painful. Like I said above, there are numerous things you do that Matt Groening never has, but there’s a really big difference between innovation and doing stupid things on purpose that other people deliberately avoided. You know what I’m talking about: those cutaway vignettes of yours. Their existence basically hands you the keys to whatever joke you want, whenever you want, and that should make “Family Guy” the easiest show on the planet to write. And yet you still manage to fail. Maybe you really do have a team of manatees over there.
5. You Won’t Last. Yeah, you had a miraculous comeback on the wings of DVD sales a few years ago, but you were basically a different, and vastly superior, show back then. Now, you’re becoming the girl who nobody brings home to their parents. You may even get good ratings, but watching you is like some kind of cheap, comedic fling. My guess is that 13 year olds probably think you are the coolest bunch of dudes on Earth, but anyone with a life doesn’t have time for your crap. When they’re still studying “The Simpsons” in museums, you my friend will be a footnote.
I reached most of these conclusions without ever watching a complete episode. I feel prescient.
Andrew, I thoroughly enjoy your writing. I often find myself chuckling even when you aren’t making jokes.
I printed this entry out and gave it to my roommate, who is stuck in the 9th grade. I used to love “That 70′s Show,” but when he records EVERY episode on EVERY channel and watches ALL of them despite their redundancy, I have to watch “Dazed and Confused” just to remind myself that I don’t actually hate that decade or those people.
Not only does he own every episode of “Family Guy,” but he records them all as well. I cannot walk out of my room without hearing that obnoxious, nasally, poorly constructed New England accent, and the incessant guffawing of my ridiculously simple-minded roommate.
So thank you, Andrew, for putting into words about “Family Guy” what I never could.
Matt
The final straw for me was the episode when they did a gratuitous promotion for the book, “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. It was deliberate and nauseating. It’s not about whether viewers agree or disagree with the liberal propaganda they shamefully push – it’s more about, “C’mon, can you just fucking entertain me?!” I mean these assholes were actually promoting, without remuneration, a book that slams a huge portion of the population. Yes, free speech is so very important. And they can and should say whatever they want. But, the constant high pressure sale of extreme left ideology is painful and smarmy – and let’s face it, has saturated all media and culture these days. It’s not brave to go along with opinions that have already been made popular [to the ill informed] through decades of media domination. It’s not courageous or new or innovative – it’s tired – and probably stupid to alienate over half of the TV viewing populace not to mention bad business.