It’s late, I’m bored, let’s chat.
-That new Clive Owen movie “The International” looks stupid-
Look guys, the whole “evil corporation” thing has been done and then done again. Your trailers are full of tired cliche lines like “Everybody’s in on it!” and “They’ll get to your family!” Freakin’ yawn. Also, the patronizing white text in the beginning which explains that a bank is a place which holds onto my money for me is just painful. No talented creative person requested this coddling crap, some executive must have insisted it go in for the ten-second attention span crowd.
-My Chemical Romance must be punished for their abominable cover of Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row”-
I even like My Chemical Romance well enough, I saw them live and enjoyed it. But this, this is shameful, and they can’t be allowed to get away with it. You want to cover the master? Go right ahead, but have some respect; don’t pummel a nine-minute opus into 180 seconds of mindless power chords and shouting. It’s called “subtlety,” guys, and it’s a big part of what makes Bob a legend. I need to go wash out my ears and listen to “Highway 61 Revisited” until I start liking music again.
-Paramore is a pretty good band-
Seriously, they’re not bad. If you’ve got ten bucks and you might be interested in trying out some safe, user-friendly pop-punk with strong melodic focus, they’re right up your alley. Absolutely nothing about them is challenging or new, but they do what they do, and I respect that well enough.
-I don’t care about the Super Bowl this year-
After the epic struggle that was last year’s game, this one feels kind of “meh.” Now God knows I was rooting for the Patriots last time, I wanted to see someone complete a perfect season (other than the Dolphins), but I can appreciate the David v. Goliath awesomeness of little Manning leading the scrappy Giants to a stunning victory. The only problem was, it wasn’t a knock-down drag-out, the Patriots sucked and New York walked on them. Maybe this year, it’ll be a rough and tumble game, the kind you can get into. Now I just have to flip a coin to decide who I’m rooting for.
-People need to just get over their exes-
I know all of you who have former flames out there have already heard this, but I’m just putting it out there again: move on. We all love you, but we’re sick of hearing about it, and there’s plenty of other fish in the effing sea. Every time you start pining for whoever this person is, I need you to look at yourself in a moment of crushing self-awareness and see the overwhelming cliche you are playing out. Everyone goes through this, we’re all here for you, but…come on, man. Come on.
What’s that, you say? I married my ex? It’s different! She’s…you know…pretty!
-Other people need to break up with their boy/girlfriends-
We’re all thinking it, we’re not saying it: he/she is not good enough for you. Every time we try to point this out, you hem and haw, sigh and moan, shuffle your feet, on and on. Just once, we’d like to see your eyes grow wide with recognition: “Yes. He/she is a total douche bag, what am I still doing in this relationship? Thank you for telling me!”
How can you not see this? How do you look at this person you’re committed to and not recognize that you are tethered to a sinking dead weight? Look at him/her! Tell me you haven’t been in this same position, where you knew a friend of yours was dating a dork and needed to drop that like a bad habit. Were you wrong then? Is the group of friends ever really wrong about this sort of thing, when everyone can see it and we all talk about it when you’re in the bathroom? No. Of course not. We have pages of grievances written down, and you just won’t listen, will you? You refuse to just LOOK at what you’re doing. This kind of obnoxious self-punishment, which in turn punishes everyone around you who must pretend to like this toolbox, is why China has a collectivist society where the wants and desires of one person don’t mean crap.
And of course, you’re going to bring him/her to every party, and sit there with doe eyes expecting us to just love this person. We don’t. He/she is an obnoxious personality vacuum. Why is it you won’t ever let us tell you this? What good are friends if not to give you this kind of head’s up, “I think you might be attracted to an emotional pariah”? Why can’t you ask us honestly, “Do you hate him/her? Tell me the truth.” No, instead you blackmail us into submission while we all stand around smiling and nodding, wishing to God your stupid boy/girlfriend would just shut up for one second.
-I love sleeping-
Don’t you? Man, is there anything better than slipping under the covers, letting your eyes squeeze shut, and just thinking about nothing at all? You have no responsibilities, nothing to get done, you just…lay back and wait to be whisked away. I’m always so sad when I actually fall to sleep, because I wish I could savor that time, but oh well. Sleeping is great.
-Dreams…not so much…-
Nobody has “good dreams.” If you win ten million dollars in your dream, then it sucks to wake up. If you get ripped apart by bears in your dream, then you just got ripped apart by bears and that sucks. If you have some weird dream that makes no sense, you wake up confused, and that’s annoying. There is no good outcome for dreams, except to talk about them at parties when you’ve discussed the hell out of the weather. And of course, everybody knows that girl who thinks she has dreams so crazy that when she recounts them, which she does ad nauseum, we’ll all be, like, blown backwards with shock. Yeah, everyone dreams about ducks who speak French, sweetheart, it doesn’t make you unique. I’m not going over to my buddy after this story and telling him, “That Claire chick had the craziest nightmare, but you know what? She was comfortable with telling us all about it. What a free-spirited person.”
-Fruit is better than vegetables-
Fruit makes nutrition delicious, it’s like God’s candy. Vegetables are bland, flavorless, taste-bud punishers whose goal is to keep you from enjoying a long life too much. All of that is true, and you know it.
Well, I’m tired. Gonna turn it!