I have a lot of responsibilities, gosh darn it! I’m a husband, a grad student, a Batman nerd, these things require serious time commitments! I think you fail to understand that, fascinating television programs which pull me in with your complex narratives and cliffhanger endings. Or maybe you just don’t care.
God knows I’ve done all I can; we don’t even have cable in our apartment, and still you manage to seep in under the doorway and into my brain. At first it started off gently with a little “The Office,” but then “24″ suddenly got really interesting, then “Lost” came back on, and now my wife has me jonesing for more of this unfairly canceled gem called “Jericho” which, it turns out, is excellent. Add on top of that the HBO series “From the Earth to the Moon,” Showtime’s “Dexter,” “Saturday Night Live” Digital Shorts, The History Channel’s “A Presidency Revealed,” “CSI” (which is like crack cocaine whether you want to admit it or not), “NCIS” (ditto), “The Unit,” “Deadliest Catch,” “The X Files,” “Ghost Hunters,” “The OC,” and now this new “Lie to Me” thing looks pretty cool.
Damn it, television! Stop it! You can’t all be good, that’s not fair! As a Western society capitalist consumer, my BS filters are set to expect at least half of you to be unwatchable, and instead I’m finding compelling entertainment under every rock I turn over. This is ridiculous, human beings can’t have lives with this much visual stimulation all over the place. Where in the hell did all the crap reality shows and poorly made dribble go? Who allowed the ratio of junk to quality to go crazy like this? Do you know, they’re actually making good dance competition shows now? What’s wrong with this world?
It’s hard to believe, but apparently someone had a board meeting at CBS, or NBC, or wherever, and they finally decided to try making good shows to see how we would react. Since then, television has hit some kind of weird renaissance where there’s too much quality for a single consumer to absorb. Not every show is masterpiece, and none of them are perfect, but God knows they actually pull you in and keep you there while they’re going.
Frankly, I’m not sure a lot of people even notice. We’re too comfortable complaining about “why can’t there be good shows?” and blah blah blah, we don’t actually look to see what’s going on. If you hear someone tell you that TV sucks lately, take pity on this person, because right now the Discovery Channel is doing a special on Egyptian death rituals or something which would probably glue their eyeballs to the television screen and they don’t even know about it.
My advice to you, Dear Reader, is to stay away. Having a cable box these days is like buying a map to El Dorado, it’ll gobble up your life and spit you out a crazed monster, a grizzled Ahab questing for the white whale and finding only a minus sign next to substantial numbers on your credit card statement. Do not ask dangerous questions like, “Would I enjoy ‘Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles?’” You have to stop thinking of these things in terms of “shows,” and begin categorizing them in your brain next to methamphetamines or vomiting after supper—deadly psychological sand traps that leave you emaciated on your couch, forgetting to eat or call your family. They should sell seasons of “Prison Break” from the in-lay of black turncoats, not in clean, well-lit shelves at Best Buy.
Have you ever made the mistake of turning on the History Channel late at night, when they just dump all the fascinating crap they have in random order? You start out with a special on underground drilling, then you’re learning about prison gangs, vampire folklore, Greek naval strategy, the history of blackjack, and suddenly you can’t remember your name anymore. The world is too fascinating for this kind of thing to be allowed, only God can handle this much interesting at one time.
I have to go now. “Jericho” is just getting good again. Run away, Dear Reader. Run far away.
Makes me glad I’ve become lost in Facebook ~