Pontifications!

This issue of Pontifications will feature rapid-fire, ultra-fast statements. Rest assured that each of them is searing, undulating truth. You could, as they say, take these rock-solid affirmatives “to the bank,” but I’m not sure what the interest rate on voracity is right now, so don’t deposit just yet.

-My wife has an evil laugh. Have you ever heard this woman’s giggle? Ever partaken of her chuckle? They’re lovely, and they are absolutely maniacal. You might not notice it at first, but close your eyes and listen next time, you’ll be stunned. I think it’s because her first “ha” always crescendos, then decrescendos rapidly, creating the “aaahHAHAhahahaha” texture that Bond villains so love. To this day, I check our closet every night for doomsday devices or secret agents bound and gagged…just in case. 

-”Twilight” isn’t going to be that big of a hit. Yes, it’s going to have a booming opening weekend, but franchise success is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve been paying attention, and everyone who’s seen this thing is saying the same thing: “meh.” So sure, the fangirls will hit the cinemas all weekend, but the movie’s not exciting people enough to last past the rush of seeing the story come to life. Teenage girls carried “Titanic” to a billion dollars on their skinny little shoulders, but they did it because the movie was good, and there was no book to compete for their attention. I predict the tweens will see it once, maybe twice, then go right back to reading; meanwhile, no one else will bother.

-”Fantastical” is the dumbest word in the English language and if you say it I’ll harm you physically. I seriously cannot listen to this thing uttered by anyone. Apart from the noisome, garbled fashion in which it exits the mouth, its meaning is redundant and can be expressed via other, more worthy adjectives. 

-Countess Bathory was one of the worst people to ever exist. Don’t look into what she did, it will erode your faith in humanity. I mention her only so you can avoid anything with her name near it from here on out. Some things just go beyond “wrong.”

-Don’t use cell phone car chargers. I had an enlightening talk with a source who will remain anonymous at Verizon; let’s just say this guy would know what the hell he was talking about. According to him, car chargers create a “false charge” that allows your phone to work, but saps the battery’s lifespan, not to mention its ability to function properly in the short-term. In general, cigarette lighter equals bad.

-The universe is speeding up. Back when the “Big Bang” theory was introduced, our natural assumption was that after the universe was created in a fiery explosion, its expansion would gradually run down to nothing over time, much like a car coming to a stop when you turn the engine off. New research definitively states exactly the opposite: the universe is getting exponentially bigger, and it’s doing so at faster and faster speed. Eventually, everything in existence is going to be so far away from everything else that life will be impossible. Yikes.

-Golf is a strategic game…not a sport. Whenever I make this point, I get mired in arguments where people offer, as a rebuttal, that golf is quite difficult; clearly they feel that I am intending to take something away from the game, which I am not. I agree that golf requires extraordinary skill and hard work, but so does chess, so that’s not enough. In the English language, a “sport” is classified as an athletic activity, and “athletic” is defined as pertaining to strength, agility or stamina; golf tests none of these. It is about physical discipline, yes, but it isn’t strenuous in any way, it’s about control and accuracy. Also, there’s no way that I’m calling a guy who drives a little car across the playing field while a lackey carries anything heavy an “athlete.” Not happening. Golf is one of the most difficult tactical competitions invented by man, but it’s not a sport.

-Denzel Washington may be the greatest male lead in Hollywood history. I’m not going to say he’s the best, I’m just going to say that nobody tops him. You have never watched a movie and thought, “Wow. that guy owns Denzel,” and you never will. 

-Denzel Washington is the greatest name ever constructed. That I WILL say definitively. Say it a few times, you’ll get chills.

-”Listerine” is the s**t. I apologize for the lame, bleeped-out profanity there, but it was just the perfect way to say it. “Listerine” doesn’t kill germs, it prosecutes them with extreme prejudice and then removes their names from written record. It should be federal law that you have to use the stuff twice a day to be permitted to stand near anyone in public. Yeah, it hurts when you gargle, and I’m okay with that, it’s part of the reason I use it. Recently, of course, Johnson and Johnson has gone the pansy route and started making a new, no-sting “Listerine;” I think this is ill-advised. Americans fundamentally love the idea of medicine so strong it might harm you a little, we’re “maximum strength” people. There is a very real market out there for a product that says, “You’re Damned Right it Hurts.” Stick to your guns, guys. 

-Wolves get their genitals stuck together after intercourse. It’s true, I’ve seen videos of it while attending accredited courses on sexual behavior at the College of William and Mary. Turns out, having privates that swell up and get stuck is an evolutionary advantage, because it keeps competitive males from interfering with fertilization. Of course, the animals themselves don’t really know that, so the look on their faces as they try to walk in opposite directions hurts me just thinking about it. There’s a lesson there somewhere, but it’s probably best left unsaid.