Why, Lord? Have we displeased you?

Sometimes reading the Hollywood trade papers is a depressing thing. Here, in the cold, blank verse of busied industry reporters, one finds laid bare the true soul of the movies you’ll get conned into seeing a year and a half from now. There’s no window dressing, no cushy A-list actor to break your fall, just you and a one-line summary that reads something like “Jason Bourne crossed with Hannah Montana.” If anything, it makes you realize how extraordinary the work of a marketing department is, that you’ll actually be tempted by this thing when the trailer comes out. 

Learning this hard lesson, I like to think my cynicism has gently melted away, and I now look for promising potential, even from the most mundane or ridiculous projects. But even my studied optimism cannot possibly fathom this piece of news:

Ridley Scott has just signed on to direct an adaptation…of “Monopoly.”

“Monopoly.” Yes, the board game, pass go and whatnot.

No, it’s not animated, it’s going to be live-action, allegedly set in the future. My shock at the raw stupidity of this idea immediately turns its focus on “Pirates of the Caribbean,” which I completely blame for all of this. The first “Pirates” was a decent movie, but even Jack Sparrow isn’t worth what that franchise’s success is going to visit upon us.

Now that a theme park ride has reaped a full harvest, all bets are off. It used to be that to cynically cash in on a known franchise, the franchise had to be, in some capacity, a story; there had to be a narrative of some kind. But much like an apocalyptic prophet, Jerry Bruckheimer has shown his fellow producers the light: screw story. As long as it’s something people have heard of, we’ll twist and squeeze some kind of motion picture out of it. 

It’s not the board game thing I mind, it’s that it’s “Monopoly.” I mean, “Clue” was a masterpiece, and making that picture was a great idea, because the game was story-based. “Monopoly” does not possess even a shred of narrative. There is no emotional arc. The vast majority of its cast are inanimate objects! What are they thinking, that they’ll get Morgan Freeman to play a &*^ing thimble? 

You can’t make this movie, there’s just something disgusting about it. The worst part is, Ridley Scott is a legendary filmmaker responsible for numerous masterpieces, especially in the science fiction realm. The fact that he can be bought like this is depressing. The dude already has money coming out of his ears, and he deserves every dollar of it, so why would he do this? He turned down the chance to direct an adaptation of “Halo,” even though he was the perfect man for the job, because he said there was “no story there.” And now he’s going to give me cinematic board game.

The sad thing is, I’m sure some jerk will come up with some kind of narrative or something, and then they’ll throw a few winking mentions of “Park Place” or “Redding Railroad” and call it “Monopoly.” But it’s not “Monopoly!” If they cast a single person who lacks white facial hair and a top hat, they’ve already strayed from canon. 

Clearly, this is the Lord slapping me on the wrist for Corelyn and I not finding a church to regularly attend. Point taken, Lord, we won’t mess with you again. Please make this whole thing go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not ever get made.