You heard me, reader. It was a terrible mistake to go down this road. Would that I could take it back, but I’m afraid the web address of this site is just a little too…awesome. No, it is simply out of my hands, the blog must remain.
The reason, I think, that this blog was an unwise move on the part of yours truly is God. He’s up there, He’s got some spare time (apparently), and He’s decided in that infinite wisdom of His to spice things up a little on this blog. He knew I had elaborate Bat-theses planned for this blog (The Pros and Cons of Harvey Dent, Why the Joker is Funny…and yes I have written them), so He just keeps making insane crap happen to me so I’ll have to write about that instead. My life has never been this interesting to read about before, and I’m afraid it will only get worse. He’s a tricky, tricky God.
Case in point: yesterday I fender-bendered a VW bug on Jefferson Park Avenue, my first anything-close-to-an-accident in my driving career. In my defense, we were at a yield sign, and the girl was fully stopped when it would have been wiser to take some initiative and enter the flow of traffic. Also, again in self-preservation, I bumped into her because I let off the brake just a little too much (we were on a downhill slope). At first, we were going to handle things privately, but when she called me today to inform me that the repair would be $500, I raced into the warm bosom of Geico.
By the way, the damage is not that bad. There’s a barely visible mark on her back bumper which would cost maybe $100 to paint over, but of course that’s not what they’re telling her. Car mechanics are really quite a phenomenon in the modern world. They join an elite group comprised of dentists, oil companies and people who buy books back from college students, who are simply permitted to rip us all off. This is the true Axis of Evil. We all know it, we all let them do it. They prey upon us, not every once in awhile, but every single time. Corrupt cops may take some “cream” (if you will) off the top every now and again; these people furnish their pads with our ignorance and vanity. Car mechanics are the worst, however; dentists, after all, would cost you nothing if you eased off the soda, and oil companies probably deserve something for having to extricate their product from the most war-torn parts of the world. But car mechanics operate on a simple business plan: we will rob them all, because they’re idiots.
And of course, because they have fully embraced how evil they are, they always manage to produce a full dissertation on why that fly on your windshield will cost $200 to get off. These speeches must be wonderfully exciting to deliver when you, the car mechanic, know how ridiculous they are. It’s like a cop pulling a woman over for speeding, and then sentencing her to two nights in jail for “Being smoking hot but a total ice queen about it.” Law degree or not, we have a sense that one cannot get away with that. We know something is amiss. But if we were as ignorant of the law as we are of the mechanical horses we ride around on all day, that woman would find herself doing community service and attending “Being a Better Total Babe” seminars (which I’m sure the cop in question probably operates himself).
The situation is very similar, dear reader. When the young lady I bumped into the other day (who really is quite friendly) shows an auto shop the minor scuff on her bumper, and the pitchfork-carrying demons employed there inform her that they will need to remove the entire bumper to complete this job (I’m not making this up), one cannot help but marvel. This mark could probably be removed with a fingernail, and yet they spin fantastic tales of bumper removal. It’s just stunning.
The Wii is an amazing game system, and for those of you who can, I overwhelmingly recommend you pick one up. I’ve been playing an excessive amount of “Wii Tennis,” against an increasingly adept computer opponent whose tenacity is incrementally renegotiated as my perceived talent rises. The motion control apparatus is so precise that I find I have distinctive moves, such as a 360 degree counter-clockwise assault which is so ruthless that my opponent can only dive fruitlessly at it. The Wii can definitely tell the difference between a back-hand and a forward swing, even at high speeds, and it gauges my timing and applies it to the ball with a precision I find breathtaking. It’s enough to make me want to take up tennis for real…except this is way more fun.
I’ve been reading Jeph Loeb and Time Sale’s “Batman: Dark Victory” over again, and I’m stunned by how much better it is than I remembered. For the unwashed masses, “Dark Victory” is the sequel to the graphic novel (longer, fancier comic book) “Batman: The Long Halloween,” which is the story of how Batman, Police Commissioner James Gordon, and DA Harvey Dent team up to bring down organized crime in their city, and how the war on crime costs them more than they could have ever imagined. Their long-suffering families are pushed away, their personal limits are tested, and even their personal safety is surrendered in a war against evil. The story ends in a tragic twist when Harvey Dent has acid thrown in his face during a trial, and morphs into the murderous vigilante Two-Face, who is bent on using more…efficient methods to bring crime down. The character of Two-Face, of course, mirrors Batman in a frightening way. Harvey steps outside the law, and so does Batman, so what really separates them? Could the Dark Knight ever be nudged into being like him?
”Dark Victory” picks up after Harvey Two-Face has unlawfully executed the head of the Gotham mob, putting the last nail in the coffin of organized crime. Harvey then turns himself in and is committed to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Unfortunately, with the mafia out of the way, a new breed of criminals (dubbed “the freaks”) is ushered in. These include The Joker, Poison Ivy, Catwoman, The Riddler, etc. And even though Two Face is incarcerated, it appears he is uniting this new breed of criminals to continue his war on the last remaining remnants of organized crime. I just read a stunning scene last night that I thought I’d recount to you:
Harvey’s trial for the murder of Carmine Falcone has just begun. He is standing in the witness box, being cross-examined by the new District Attorney. Batman is in disguise as a security guard, waiting in the wings for anything to go wrong. Suddenly, in the middle of questioning, Two Face asks what time it is. Batman immediately senses something’s wrong, because Harvey is wearing a watch. The DA answers “Uh…2 o’clock.” Two o’clock. Two Face. Oh no. Suddenly, the entire rogue’s gallery of Batman’s adversaries explode out of the floor and attack the courtroom, as Harveny politely raises a finger and says: “I move for a recess.” Before the smoke can clear, he’s gone.
Amazing.
If you enjoyed that, rest assured: the fall of Harvey Dent will be the backbone of the upcoming “The Dark Knight.” Don’t fear spoilers, however, since their particular take on it will be very unique.
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